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playing with my mind [Jan. 18th, 2005|02:35 pm]
[mood |curiouscurious]
[music |muse - absolution]

At this point in my life, I feel like I'm the foreman of construction area. I have these blueprints for my ideas, and I've got some foundations layed. But influences keep sneaking up on me, and that makes me change bits and pieces of the original design. So I have to call back the workers that I sent to the right wing of the building and tell them that "there have been some changes."
I see in my mind, this skeleton of a building. The bare 2x4's awaiting sheetrock. Drills and hammers can be heard in the background. It smells like sawdust. That building represents all of my thoughts/opinions on the world and the actions in it. I read quite a lot, and I love talking to different people, so my opinions are constantly subject to change. Then I have to rethink things, and my building gets restructured.
At first, I didn't like this, but the more I think about it, the less I want it to be any other way. Eventually, a good deal of the house will remain unchanging, and I'll be done for the most part, but you should never stop rethinking things.
I'm just glad that I'm not like I used to be. My ideas were card castles, easily tipped or distorted. I'm beginning to find myself and my opinions and that makes things so much clearer.
I remember when I used to feel apprehensive when I started a philosophical conversation with someone because I didn't know who to be for my end of the talking. After all, who was I? But the confidence that's building now because of the assurance of certain truths helps me to combat what other's would have me believe. I can talk to my mom for the first time in years without crying too much. It really feels good. And I just thought that I'd share. Sorry, I don't know how to put this behind a link... not very good with computers.
Thanks for listening, and do try and have a good afternoon.
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new year [Jan. 6th, 2005|10:28 am]
[mood |artisticartistic]
[music |Muse - Absolution]

It feels like I'm not excited about much anymore. Like i used to have to force myself to sleep, or at least put up the pretenses of sleep on christmas eve, and last time, I barely registered that it WAS christmas eve. I'm glad that there are good people in my life, and i don't think that I say that enough... maybe ever. I enjoy cooking. The prospect of moving back to Portland makes me inexplicably happy. I never befriended anyone very very seriously, maybe a little afraid of rejection? but i liked that town more than i knew when i lived there.
Man, do I enjoy Muse. And Keane.
We have to find someone to move in with in Portland. Our criteria is rather strict, though, and that may be a problem... We want a clean female, who isn't mean, possibly two females, and it would be preferred that they be of the gay persuasion. I don't care if they are vegetarians or not, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and it would be dumb to be THAT picky. We'd be just like Grace and Russell then. Yes, I understand that it is most definitely easier to get along with someone who shares the same opinions with you. But honestly, if you can't be friends, or live with someone who has different feelings on things then you're not going to be very successful in a venture of finding a roommate or even friend. Isn't that self-love a little? If you'll only befriend someone who thinks, acts and is like yourself?
Ah. I wish i didn't have to eat. It's so base and guttural, but then, I need something like that in my existence. I wish that I could eat air. That'd be neat.
Manda complimented me yesterday, and it made me all glowy.... happy. We've (Manda and i) been jogging lately and it makes me feel a bit better. It's nice, knowing that you're doing something good. Drinking of the water makes me feel the same way, too.
Well, I have to be going. This was nice.
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dead limbs [Dec. 11th, 2004|11:17 am]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |beach boys, don't worry, baby.]

Yesterday I meant to make an entry, but I forgot because got this frightening urge to consume some water and by the time I satisfied said urge, I forgot what I was doing entirely. I got up at about 9, and around 10 there comes this buzzing from outside. Sort of a buzzzzz, grumble grumble, clunk, buzzzz, grumble grumble and so on. Checked it out, and it seemed as though some men were outside cutting the limbs off of a tree. Evidently the tree looked perilous, so they downed the beast before it could strike.
You have to wonder about people in general these days. How can we just cut down a tree, saw off it's limbs, tear it apart ruthlessly because it threatens us? Didn't we plant it? And if we didn't, well even if we did, what right to do we claim to have that makes us so much more important than that tree? If someone slaughtered a cow and lay it's limbs in a pile right next to the house, people would be upset. If the same was done a human, there would be an inquisition, a trial and a conviction. But the limbs of a tree?
Nobody's business.
In fact, one could argue that plant life, trees most definitely included, are more important than the inhabitants of that house simply because the tree at least is helping the environment and other people. It's very existence is good and aiding, but people? Pretty much the only thing we do for the environment is die, and even then that doesn't begin to account for the crud we do when we live. Oh that house we lived in? Yeah, cut down an acre of trees for that monster. What makes us want such a wealth of space anyway? In reality, we should only need space enough to sleep, and even that isn;t necessary in the summer time. We can cook, sleep, play, work, and be outside a lot. But we have to have dead trees cover us.
i was in a state of almost crying all day yesterday, and then I was kind of a jerk after that because I was so steamed that I couldn't do anything about it. They attacked the tree in our backyard after that. The threat is gone. We can all breathe a sigh of relief.
I have absolutely no money for christmas, and in a way, that's quite a good thing... I have to gruel over what to get people now, and I like that the gift will have no choice but to be entirely from me, and not small children in asia. I hope my little brother likes the painting that I'm going to make him. I'm afraid that he'll pass it over for the gameboy games he's sure to get. I can see his little fake smile, with the one and a half dimples, "Thanks, Mar." I wonder what kind of person he's going to grow up to be. So exciting. I want it to happen already, but I want to savor the young years, and I'll probably say, "It went by so fast" in a cliche voice, with the required sentimental tear resting in my right eye.
Who was the first person to cry? I watch movies, and when someone on them cries, so do I. I cried as a baby, as babies will do, but it wasn't always for sadness. It was the only noise that I could make that could be heard in a lot of places. So did the second person on earth cry when the first person died? Or did they just grunt and take that knife that they always wanted that he had? Do wolves cry to the moon because it sounds neat, or because their emotions have no better way of being displayed?
Ok, I have to go do something else. yeah
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I guess I should... [Dec. 7th, 2004|05:03 pm]
[mood |artisticartistic]
[music |Velvet Underground - Femme Fatale]

I haven't updated in a looong time. So I guess I should. I enjoy Telepopmusik music. I'm doing alright, although, I have a pretty annoying headache and I shouldn't take anything for it... hmmm. This is a really boring entry. You know when the sentences are many and short that you're just pulling stuff outta your ass. It's weird. You write down what song your listening to, and then half-way through, you're listening to something else because the song is over and another has started in it's place. See, cause now I'm listening to Sarah McLaughlin and Enigma's "Silence", and I'll soon be listening to something else that happens to be on my playlist. Ha, that's funny. I'm listening to "silence". =)
So why am I feeling artistic? I want to paint my walls, and I wan't to go take pictures, cut up construction paper with no apparent purpose, make something fly... My girlfriend just accidentally told me I was bad in bed.... I don't know whether or not to believe that it was a mix-up or a freudian slip. Lets just go with the mix-up scenerio. I trust her as she's begging me right now not to think that. She didn't mean to say that. Who knows maybe I am "bad" in bed. hehe
J... I just felt like typing a j. Well, on with life.
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is it normal...? [Apr. 16th, 2004|03:49 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |the rattling of my random thoughts in my my random brain..]

Is it normal to feel hyper after drinking water? or perhaps to feel giddy at the thought that I have two legs instead of one? I couldn't imagen not being able to ride a horse simply because I was born with only one leg... but who am I to dis the one-legged life? manda would probably give up a leg so she wouldn't ever have to work again... silly. I bet she's the only one who reads my journal anyway. I should check my email... haven't done that in a while. the computer room is always stinky, like someone, who hasn't graced a bathtub or shower in months, decided that they want to use the library computers today. so now it stinks, perpetually. and I always manage to think it's me at first, but then I get up to get something and the smell is momentarilly <-sp? gone. sigh, agh! can't sigh too deep, it smells awful. ok then. must be going. nothing to do and I'm running out of time for doing it!
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update [Apr. 13th, 2004|02:15 pm]
I must update journal to make manda smile.

the end.
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(no subject) [Dec. 4th, 2002|08:24 pm]

Take the Which Drug are you? Test
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Why don't I like cheese cake? [Dec. 1st, 2002|06:59 pm]
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |My own sighs]

You know for the longest time, I wanted to try cheese cake. When my mom finally let me, I thought it tasted terrible and I've never liked it since. I heard the grown-ups talking about how ALL women love cheese cake, so being the impressionable child that I was, I thought that if I didn't like cheese cake, I would never be a woman. So I ate it, and pretended that I loved it too. It wasn't until recently that I decided that if I don't like cheese cake than I shouldn't eat it. Yeah I know, I'm super smart. So I wonder, why don't I like cheese cake? Oh well, mostly the grown-ups discused the bad effects of eating it so I guess I've been spared certain bad things. Which is good. Uh, I think that's why I started drinking coffee, but now I drink it because I like how it makes my tum-tum hurt just a bit. I just watched Time Machine and it's definately one of those movies that makes you a little pensive afterwards. I wonder when I get out for Christmas break... I guess I'll be surprised.
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Sweet Baby James [Nov. 16th, 2002|01:38 pm]
There is a young cowboy who lives on the range,
His horse and his cattle are his only companions.
He works in the sadle and he sleeps in the canyons,
Waiting for Summer, his pasters to change.
And as the moon rises he sits by his fire,
Thinkin' about women, and glasses of beer.
Closing his eyes as the doggies retire,
He sings out a song that is soft but it's clear,
As if maybe someone could hear.
Goodnight you moonlight ladies, and rockabye sweet baby James,
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rockabye sweet baby James.
Now the first of December was covered with snow,
As so was the turnpike for Stockbridge to Boston.
Though the birtches weem dreamlike on account of that frostin',
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go.
There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway,
A song that they sing when they take to the sea.
A song that they sing of their home in the sky.
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep,
But singin' works just fine for me.
So goodnight you moonlight ladies, and rockabye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rockabye sweet baby James.

I like that song very much. It's my current project, I'm trying to understand the figurative language, but it isn't coming so easy. I like the melody too, it's very soothing. I like the song Dust In the Wind, too. Grace said that I shouldn't not learn an instrument just because it would be a competition. She said that it didn't have to be a competition. She's right, so last night I asked Joc, if she could try and teach me a song. I'm such a slow learner that she got pretty frustrated with me. hehe. For as long as I can remember, I've always been the "annoying sister" the "lazy one" the tomboy the "ugly sister" the "dumb one" the "boring one", so when it comes to my sisters and I, I just don't try anything that they do because they'll just be better. I bring home good report cards, Joc has better grades, I memorize how to play a song on the piano, Joc can play "anything" and he instrument is portable, Shelsea can play the violin and read it's music. I sing, my sisters sing better. Shelsea was always called the "pretty one", Joc the "Smart and funny sister", and me? I wasn't called anything, I was left alone in the corner doing whatever no one else was interested in. I remember on my third birthday I had just learned how to whistle, and I was so happy. I had seen dad doing and thought, "yeah that'll get his attention!" I had worked on it for at least two months, and now had finally figured it out. I was just deciding what song to whistle when I realised that unforntuately, my sister Jocelyn had recieved her first guitar the Christmas earlier and she had just learned another song, and was playing it. It was so great for my dad, because he played the guitar. When I tried to show dad, he said that's nice, and moved closer to my sister. He didn't even look at me... I've always looked up to my dad. Sometimes he seems like the perfect person, and other times you can see his humanity showing. There was this one time that I was playing outside, and we all (Joc, Sarah, Jake and Shelsea) decided to play "House". It was role picking time, and my sister Joc got the Man job, she was the designated father figure and hunter. A cunning and majestic job that we all respected. Shelsea got the Woman job, a mother figure, proud and providing. She tends to the children and cooks the meals(and when played by your older sister, the boss). Sarah was the baby girl, and Jake the baby boy. They saved the most prestigious, most honored, and most envied job for me. They really did think that this job suited me the best because I only recall one time that I didn't play this part. I was the work horse. Yeah, that was me noble position. Shelsea used to do Sarah's make-up, and dress her up, and talk with her. I think that's where I rooted my bad disposition against Sarah. Joc would play with Shelsea and only Shelsea when the whole gang was together. I don't remember her ever playing with just me before Shelsea left the gang. After Shelsea grew out of playing with us, Joc did play more with me, but something you have to understand about Joc is that she was and is very competative. I'm sorry to say that it did rub off sufficiently. She and I had contest after contest until that's all we did. She would get mad because I would copy her, and I was trying to beat her at her own game by making my copy better. We competed at skating, throwing, wearing mustashes, coloring, learning, spitting, jumping, climbing trees, wearing clothes, bicycling, running, yelling, using big words, saying bad things about our mom, EVERYTHING! I didn't usually win, in fact there may have only been once or twice that I actually won, and then Joc would say it was a fluke, make up a new rule and we'd play again, me losing of course. There are a lot of things that I did wrong when I was younger, and now too. Every promise that Joc had me keep I would brake. And I took on her worse traits. I think that after Shelsea, Joc and I both felt that it was rather pointless to try and be a better girl that her. It was taught to me that if you aren't going to win, don't play. That may be way I haven't played Monopoly in years... that's why, I think I didn't try to play the guitar of violin. But Grace is right, I shouldn't make it a competition. And I won't, because I'm going into a situation where the ony way that I win, is if I succesfully play the guitar and violin. Ouch! Hand cramp...
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time for beddy by [Nov. 15th, 2002|12:07 am]
Mom's on my case to go to bed. Not that I blame her too much, it is pretty late, or should I say early, whoops! ha, morning all! Well I told Manda I would right in my journal so this is it, enjoy!
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